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GOP to Outlaw Cock-Blocking

Cock Block GOP Credit: Romana Klee

Asserting that life begins as soon as a woman and a man enter into a conversation after 9pm, House Republicans have drafted a bill that would make any act that delays or prevents coitus illegal under federal law.  Recent attempts to define life beginning at conception on the state level have not gone well for the GOP.  The recent failure of a so-called 'personhood' bill in Mississippi has inspired legislators to act at the federal level where they are hopeful for better chances for success.

The bill's author, Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN), released a statement stating that "it is essential to protect the rights of hook-up artists, obvious 4s, the recently broken up, and women that are 'so drunk' to experience the miracle of conception." The controversial bill would outlaw a host of activities that, heinous as they may seem, are not proscribed under the law.  Should the bill pass, being someone's ride and leaving a party early would be a misdemeanor.  In its current form, the bill would make doing so without having to work tomorrow a felony.

Critics have voiced concerns about infringement upon civil liberties, saying the law is vague.  Samuel Magnussen of the ACLU is concerned that wingmen and wingwomen could be prosecuted even if they aborted the possible hook-up because they know their friend is a tease, or will just spend the whole time talking about his ex-girlfriend and blow the whole thing.

Democrats have called for a more pro-active approach and have drafted their own bill that would fund a $4 million program through the Department of Health and Human Services that would subsidize anti-cock blocking initiatives.  The program would include money for cab rides home for your friend, smush room subsidies for college students, and an education program that would teach friends exactly when to leave the conversation to get more drinks.  Hoping to lure center-line voters, the Democrats bill includes language similar to the Republican bill making it illegal to discuss video games, living with parents, and anything that happened on the internet in front of non-married members of the opposite sex.

The bill, currently in committee, is not expected to pass, but marks a tide change in the types of legislation Republicans are willing to push in Congress.  The recent ruling by the Obama administration to go against recommendations by the FDA and prevent open access to the morning after pill has given hope to conservatives and pro-life organizations.  Commenting on the bill, pro-life organization Personhood USA stated, "Going out with your single friend gives you an obligation to help them conceive human life.  Standing in between him or her and someone you've told them repeatedly is a 'platonic friend' is murder." It is estimated that 25 million Americans are being kept on someone's backburner and prevented from hooking up with mutual acquaintances.

(Photo Credit: Romana Klee)

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